Thursday, July 24, 2008

Self Discovery

Alright, at the request of a friend, who is apparently stalking my blog spot and waiting for an update, I have decided to post something new. Thanks friend-you know who you are. :) For my new readers, this blog is intended to be a place for my personal thoughts and not necessarily a 'keep you updated on the fam' site. However, because a lot of my thoughts are related to my family it kind of works out.

I am happy to report that after a $20,000 work-up at Brooke Army Medical Center I am offically one of the healthiest people on the block....with the exception of a heart murmur. It is located in my tricuspid valve, fairly common, and not something that needs treatment at this time. I've had episodic black-outs, which is the reason I went to see the doctor in the first place. In November I really hurt myself when I blacked out in the bathroom and slammed into the tub. So, after months of labs and testing (drawn out because I dragged my feet the whole way and didn't make my appts. in a timely manner) I am good to go. The neurologist diagnosed me with a hyper-active vaso-vagel response, which is common in women and tends to calm down after age 30. Sounds good to me, considering 30 is just around the corner. It would be just ducky if I never blacked out again. 30 has never looked so good!

I have been walking around in a fog all week. I'm mourning the death of a dear friend. More on that when tears don't cloud my vision so much I can't even see the computer screen. (Check back in a few years.)

The heat and humidity is pitiful (as my dad would say). Once again, the reptiles are trying to take over the world. I find lizards running along my walls at night, frogs legs flying as I buzz over the grass with my weed-eater, and snakes slithering around my property.

I see a lizard cruising along my wall. I frantically look around, trying to find something to catch it with. Miraculously, all of my dishes are done and I can't spot a dirty cup anywhere. The lizard is cruising and will be out of site behind our couch in moments. I grab the only thing I see-my husband's thermos lid in which he takes his hot chocolate every morning (addict)-and my hand darts out to catch the lizard. I am pleased, as it only takes me two tries before I have him. I cover the lid and peek in. Poor mister lizard is partially cut in two and squirming around. Oh, I feel terrible. I quickly think of ways to dispose of it. I think I will flush it, but then that seems too cruel. I consider finishing it off with something (a kitchen knife?)...ummmm, more cruel, so that is a no go. I open the sliding door and throw it in my compost pile. Later, I tell Sheldon about my triumph/disaster catching the lizard. He scolds me for not killing the lizard, telling me I did the wrong thing by not killing it and letting it writhe and suffer. Oh, now I feel even more terrible. I am a murderer. A cruel, ruthless, let them suffer because I don't have the guts to finish the job, type killer. My self-discovery still happens on a daily basis. To mister lizard-I truly am sorry for torturing you. (I guess it's too late to apologize.)

There is nothing sweeter in this world to me than seeing my sons hug each other. It makes every sleepless night seem worth it, it gives me a glimpse of the joy and rejoicing we can and should have in our posterity. Much of the time I feel so overwhelmed trying to take care of their basic needs that my children feel like a burden, not a blessing. I have faith though, that all of my hard work now--the grueling discipline when I just want to sit on my arse, feeding, changing, clothing, teaching, correcting, (nagging, yelling, throwing things), etc.--will pay off in the future. A seasoned mother of 5 told me recently to teach my children now, because in a few years, once age 10 or 12 rolls around, there comes a time when a parent has no influence on a child. This lasts for several years, maybe a lifetime for some. They exercise their agency and nothing a parent can say will get through to them. Teach them diligently she said...I give it my all and I hope it is enough.


katie said...

Had no idea you were dealing with health issues! We need to stay in better touch.
You are amazing, and your boys are so lucky to have you as their Mother.
The lizard thing...yuck. Sorry you have to deal with that.
When do I get to see you again?

Linsey said...

Margie marg, and your funky bunch. I am glad you are back. I am so sorry about your friend. I know no words of wisdom, but I hope you can find some peace. I am glad you are heathly, I only wish I could say the same for that poor helpless lizard.
Stalker out.

Linsey said...
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camille said... from Marg. Of course I check your blog often, though I had given up a little hope of an update. Glad you are doing well.

The Walkers said...

Hey my friend...I am happy to have come across your blog, and instead of leaving you a novel of comments, I think you should email me when you get a minute so we can get in I loved seeing you and your darling kids...and want to catch up! -Denett