Meegie's Outlet

A rainbow during my storm...

2009-01-04T20:39:00.000-08:00

Over the last 6 months my 4 year old, Cameron, has had a desire to share his testimony during fast and testimony meeting in church. Sheldon began taking him up for the first few months and he would help Cameron say a few simple things. Last month we sent him up alone. He stood at the microphone looking out at the congregation and, after a long pause, looked at me and said, "I need help". Sheldon scurried up and helped him.

Today I asked him if he wanted to say his testimony and his eyes lit up and he said yes. I told him he had to go up and do it alone this time and just say what was in his mind and heart. He said okay. He reverently walked up and sat down behind the podium and waited his turn. Here is my son's sweet testimony:

"I love my brother......(long pause), we talk about the scriptures.......(longer pause), we talk about the scriptures.......(uh oh, a repeat and long pause), Jesus died for us........In the the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

I am so pleased that he can share his simple testimony. He reverently walked back to the pew and rejoined me and Tyler. I felt both humble and proud to be Cameron's mother.

Then the brick wall of reality hit me full on and Cameron and Tyler went nuts for the next twenty minutes until the meeting was over. I would have hauled them out but I couldn't manage dragging my 40 and 50 pound boys screaming and laughing down the aisle on my own. I was ready to ring their necks by the end of the meeting.

I love my boys.

Midnight is the Magic Hour

2008-12-28T20:06:00.000-08:00

I get giddy when I receive all of the wonderful Christmas cards from our dear friends each year. This is the picture we included on our Christmas card this year (the best one of 12, which isn't saying much). My Christmas card order this year was a fiasco. Without going into all of the details, suffice it to say that we didn't order enough cards, they showed up a week late and arrived on Christmas Eve to my home, the picture was dark, and I thought it was going to be printed on photo paper but was printed on cardstock. Boo hoo. All my cards were late this year as a result. Some will not receive one at all. Boo hoo.

The true Spirit of Christmas was a beautiful thing in my heart this year. The secular aspect of Christmas bombed. I think when Mrs. Claus was doing her shopping this year that she shopped for the wrong kids. She shopped for the toys and games that she WANTS them to like and not for the things they actually DO like. They are as bored today as they were last week before Christmas.

Cameron wrapped up every little thing he could find this year and used a small fortune worth of tape to make sure every last edge was sealed. I think wrapping was his favorite part of Christmas. He even wrapped up some of Tyler's toys in a bath towel and taped it up. He was really cute. He can't comprehend that Christmas is over and I expect a major meltdown when I take down the lights and tree.

We decorated for the boys outside the house with Christmas lights, candy canes, and the infamous reindeer that I have always disliked. It is amazing what I will do for my kids. I never thought I would allow reindeer and candy canes on my lawn.

Yesterday I took the boys to SeaWorld. You could not pay me money to go back again. Instead of the wonderful memories that I should have come home with, I came home ready to give my kids up for adoption. I hate taking them out. I hate being a parent. That is where I am at right now. Enough said.

I can't wait until midnight when it will be a new day and I can say I haven't yelled at my kids all day! I know we are doing something horribly wrong because parenting just shouldn't be this hard.

Pets = More Poop (for Mom to clean up)

2008-11-13T19:49:00.000-08:00

Miss Anti-Pet has been worn down by her family.

I never grew up with pets. My husband had pets surrounding him his whole life. As comical as this seems, our worst fights with each other have been about pets and whether or not we are going to eventually have them. Living in apartments for the first 4 years of our marriage made it a no-brainer--we didn't have pets. Now that we own a home the pressure is on.

We acquired a bird...it is a parakeet that our 10 year old neighbor gave us. We were puzzled (and still are) about why he would want to give us his pet bird that he has had for 2 1/2 years. I think he is just tired of her or something. I agreed to take the bird for the sake of my family, but not without my fair share of reluctance. Sheldon convinced me that if we didn't like her we could just as easily give her away to someone else.

I am doing all of the bird maintenance as I suspected. I know if we get pets that I will be taking care of them. (In the top 5 major grievences against having pets.) Case in point: Sheldon wanted a fish tank. I relented on condition that he would be cleaning the tank and feeding them. Well, he does feed them. I clean the tank. (With Tiny Might (Tyler) in the house, I'm cleaning it often due to his bizarre ability to find the fish food, no matter where we hide it, and dump it into the tank by the truck loads.)

They've worn me down....a bird and fish I can handle--heaven help me if we get a dog! I KNOW I will end up on POOP PATROL!

Our Day....

2008-10-19T21:26:00.001-07:00

I ran the 1/2 marathon. I'm alive. It was challenging. It was fun. It was painful. I might do it again. But not anytime soon.

Details: I got a stomach bug the night before the race. My bowels were in an uproar right before the race and I have been sick all week. Put the heavy flow day of my period on top of that. Fatigue, bleeding, GI issues....just my luck. NO blooming restrooms the entire race! I had to deal with issues around mile 3 but had no way of doing it. The bushes never looked so tempting. I made it, albeit grumpy and a little bit worse for wear.

On the other hand, when things started to get painful and I wanted to be done around mile 6 or 7 I felt the strength of the prayers kick in that were said on my behalf. I knew my mom was praying, my husband, and a few of my friends. I KNOW that got me through in one piece.

I ran with and for my dear friend Liz. ("With" as in we ran in the same race--I was eating her dust from moment one). Lizzie, thanks for inspiring me and helping me through with a good training program and your prayers. I'm so proud of you!

My mom wrote me the sweetest poem--I will treasure it up in my heart:

OUR DAY

Finally came the day of the run,
I thought it would just be for fun.

But deeper than this I see,
Rewards came forth just for me.

A tee shirt (which I can finally wear!)
Also a medal which will grace the pair.

The puppet who comes to life
Will remind me of my personal strife.

The prayers in my behalf
Became for me a staff.

Oh, what an "Achievement Day"
I share with Him who is my ray.

Thank you Mom.

Moments & the Absence of Tears

2008-09-21T21:03:00.000-07:00

I should be deep in slumber....but I have a desire to write before I forget. I want to record forever my little moments with my youngest son, Tyler. It was several days ago, after I had showered and was standing naked in my room (doing what? I don't remember) when Tyler (2 1/2) started hitting my bum cheeks. He said in his inquisitive voice, "Mommy, what is this?". I was distracted and he repeated this several times. I finally realized he was asking me what my bum cheeks were and so I told him, "Mommy's bum cheeks." His response was simple, "It's gross mom, it's gross."

Whenever I get irritated with the boys they become "Sheldon's sons." This was one of those moments when my 2 1/2 year old actually made me feel bad. I was irritated. When Sheldon arrived home I said, "Shel, you need to pop your son's bottom." I recounted to Sheldon my lovely conversation with Tyler. Another day with the boys is all I can say....

Tonight Tyler redeemed himself. Tyler was being naughty and had come out of his bed to snuggle with daddy on the couch after I had put him down. I came downstairs in a long, flowing piece of lingerie (lingerie, not negligee mind you). Tyler saw me and I saw him. He asked me to come and sit by him on the couch. After I snuggled up next to him he said, "Mom, you're a princess. What are you doing princess?" Sweeeeet! I'm a princess folks! Another day with the boys....

Next item of thought...Cameron's first day of preschool. Most mom's cry. Here is my story: The bus pulls up in front of our house. I watch Cameron run to the bus...he doesn't look back. I hold the video camera and record his back as he gets on the bus. I wave. The bus rolls down the road. Tyler runs down the hill crying because he wants to go too. I retrieve Tyler and spend the next hour dancing around my house feeling as if a thousand pounds have been lifted off my shoulders. To relinquish my parental responsibility over Cameron for a few hours had an absolutely euphoric affect upon me. I laughed and danced.

I have since felt a little guilty about my response to Cameron's first day of school. Where are the tears? This is just another day with my boys...

If you know me, then you know that I have a deep and profound love for my boys. If you know my family, then you know that Cameron has been high-maintenance since day one and you wouldn't judge the situation with any amount of harshness.

(P.S. The euporia only lasted one day. Now I miss him every day.)

A full span of the spectrum...

2008-08-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

I went from having no desire to run to signing up for a 1/2 marathon(13.5 miles). I started a 9 week training program to prepare. As I analyzed my thoughts and feelings, I realized I didn't want to run because I had a lot of self doubt. I am still carrying around the baby weight from both my boys and I thought that ruled me out. In spite of my diligent efforts working out at Gold's gym the last 3 1/2 months, very little has changed. My friend loves to run and I encouraged her to sign up for the 1/2 marathon that she was looking into. I had NO intention of joining her. Then the idea came into my mind that we could train together. With the help of God I have overcome my self-doubt and I registered yesterday. I am going to OWN this race! I ran 4 miles today and I felt strong and able. I'm looking forward to becoming even stronger and more accustomed to running. I remember well the runner's high I used to get when I was a teenager. That is something to look forward to as well. I'm still surprised that I've leaped from one of end of the spectrum to another in a few days.

Self Discovery

2008-07-24T21:14:00.000-07:00

Alright, at the request of a friend, who is apparently stalking my blog spot and waiting for an update, I have decided to post something new. Thanks friend-you know who you are. :) For my new readers, this blog is intended to be a place for my personal thoughts and not necessarily a 'keep you updated on the fam' site. However, because a lot of my thoughts are related to my family it kind of works out.

I am happy to report that after a $20,000 work-up at Brooke Army Medical Center I am offically one of the healthiest people on the block....with the exception of a heart murmur. It is located in my tricuspid valve, fairly common, and not something that needs treatment at this time. I've had episodic black-outs, which is the reason I went to see the doctor in the first place. In November I really hurt myself when I blacked out in the bathroom and slammed into the tub. So, after months of labs and testing (drawn out because I dragged my feet the whole way and didn't make my appts. in a timely manner) I am good to go. The neurologist diagnosed me with a hyper-active vaso-vagel response, which is common in women and tends to calm down after age 30. Sounds good to me, considering 30 is just around the corner. It would be just ducky if I never blacked out again. 30 has never looked so good!

I have been walking around in a fog all week. I'm mourning the death of a dear friend. More on that when tears don't cloud my vision so much I can't even see the computer screen. (Check back in a few years.)

The heat and humidity is pitiful (as my dad would say). Once again, the reptiles are trying to take over the world. I find lizards running along my walls at night, frogs legs flying as I buzz over the grass with my weed-eater, and snakes slithering around my property.

I see a lizard cruising along my wall. I frantically look around, trying to find something to catch it with. Miraculously, all of my dishes are done and I can't spot a dirty cup anywhere. The lizard is cruising and will be out of site behind our couch in moments. I grab the only thing I see-my husband's thermos lid in which he takes his hot chocolate every morning (addict)-and my hand darts out to catch the lizard. I am pleased, as it only takes me two tries before I have him. I cover the lid and peek in. Poor mister lizard is partially cut in two and squirming around. Oh, I feel terrible. I quickly think of ways to dispose of it. I think I will flush it, but then that seems too cruel. I consider finishing it off with something (a kitchen knife?)...ummmm, more cruel, so that is a no go. I open the sliding door and throw it in my compost pile. Later, I tell Sheldon about my triumph/disaster catching the lizard. He scolds me for not killing the lizard, telling me I did the wrong thing by not killing it and letting it writhe and suffer. Oh, now I feel even more terrible. I am a murderer. A cruel, ruthless, let them suffer because I don't have the guts to finish the job, type killer. My self-discovery still happens on a daily basis. To mister lizard-I truly am sorry for torturing you. (I guess it's too late to apologize.)

There is nothing sweeter in this world to me than seeing my sons hug each other. It makes every sleepless night seem worth it, it gives me a glimpse of the joy and rejoicing we can and should have in our posterity. Much of the time I feel so overwhelmed trying to take care of their basic needs that my children feel like a burden, not a blessing. I have faith though, that all of my hard work now--the grueling discipline when I just want to sit on my arse, feeding, changing, clothing, teaching, correcting, (nagging, yelling, throwing things), etc.--will pay off in the future. A seasoned mother of 5 told me recently to teach my children now, because in a few years, once age 10 or 12 rolls around, there comes a time when a parent has no influence on a child. This lasts for several years, maybe a lifetime for some. They exercise their agency and nothing a parent can say will get through to them. Teach them diligently she said...I give it my all and I hope it is enough.

The Price of War....

2008-02-20T20:35:00.000-08:00

I have frequented Brooke Army Medical Center for testing. I have had periodic episodes of fainting and blacking out. A battery of tests were ordered by my doctor and I have yet to complete everything.

Up to this point, I am as healthy as can be. A small heart murmer was found in my tricuspid valve. This is fairly common and not of great concern.

My entry, however, is not about my health issues. I have seen for myself the price of war. When I go in for tests I have come across men and women with heinous injuries. At times I have looked into faces that have been completely unrecognizable as human. Their lives and the lives of their families are forever changed. I have seen soldier after soldier with single, double, and/or triple amputations-some with one or no legs, some with no arms, and many, many burned and scarred. This is the price of war.

In Iraq a bomb exploded in a soldier's face as she tried to disarm it.
She lost both her arms and had major burns to her face and body. Her husband was there at the hospital supporting her. The staff took excellent care of her and will continue to do so. What does her future hold as she begins life with no arms? This is the price of war.

I have looked into the the eyes of soldiers leaving the hospital. Their eyes tell a long story...one of courage, sacrifice, pain, anguish, but also of pride. Their eyes are full of joy as they taste a new freedom leaving the hospital. But behind the joy lies apprehension and uneasiness about the future and what it holds for them and how they will make it. Their lives are changed forever. This is the price of war.

I have wept. There may be something even more humbling then a soldier dying for his country. It is that soldier who has gone, fought, has suffered horrific injuries, lost limbs, and been burned to an unrecognizable state. That soldier stays here, bound to a horribly deformed body. He/she endures the stares and the whispers and the questions. If I were to fall on my knees and thank each of these soldiers for their incomprehensible sacrifices I would be on my knees a very long time. For now, to all the men and women who have suffered, and will suffer, I thank you. God bless you in your recovery and in your lives and God bless us with peace on earth and goodwill towards all men.

Musings about a special day...

2008-01-24T22:02:00.000-08:00

I was witness to an unforgettable event tonight. I attended a temple session in the Mount Timpangas Temple in which my youngest brother, Jeremy, received his endowments. It was a joyous occasion. Jeremy has waded through lonliness and trial as he has been raised without his dad in the home. Few of his siblings have watched over him. I am amazed and proud of him. His true character is shining through as he has overcome some incredibly difficult challenges and finally made it to the temple.

He received his mission call to serve in the Nashville, Tennesee mission. I know that if nothing else, he will plant his feet firmly on a foundation of faith and that he will gain a stronger and more sure testimony.

My heart is full of emotion. I feel joy, but I also feel sorrow. I am disappointed that all of my siblings were not in the temple tonight. It is evidence of a lack of support and nurture among the siblings.

Tonight is the eve of my brother, Daniel's, wedding. He will wed one Nicole Perkins tomorrow in the Mount Timpanogas temple. It is a good match. I am pleased with Daniel's choice. I know they can be very happy together. It is very strange to see Daniel at this point in his life. I have a picture in my mind of "D" and he is a little boy of age 2 or 3. He is naked except for a diaper. He has a head of blond hair and the cutest little boy face on the planet. He has a smile that would melt even the coldest of hearts. That is my image of Daniel. Now he is about to become a "real boy". It is heart-warming and heart-breaking at the same time.

Thoughts for 2008...

2008-01-01T17:45:00.000-08:00

Well, I have given my New Year goals some thought. I have a lot I want to work on and accomplish this year. With no babies on the horizon this is the opportunity I have been waiting for. I decided to lump things into categories for a quick reference.

*Spiritual Goals for 2008
1)Finish my Scripture Marking System-this is an impressive and extensive (and time-consuming) way to tab your scriptures by topic. This is really worth the time. It makes studying by topic swift and effective. Teaching my children from the scriptures will be awesome using this method. I am really pysched to complete it.

2)Attend the temple once per month-I got way off track after we came to Texas. I have not been to the temple for a session for 6 months, with the exception of baptisms with the youth 2 times. A session! Here I come!

*Physical Goals for 2008
1) Get in physical shape-my goal is to lose my extra pounds, tone my muscles, and have some good muscle strength.
2) Get myself and my family to the dentist twice a year-my mom was religious about taking us to the dentist every six months my entire youth and adolescence. I hated it. But I find myself wanting the same thing for my kids.
3) Supplement with vitamins and minerals daily.

*Financial Goals for 2008
1) Operate on a budget-this goal is under-developed but it has potential. :)
2) Spend less, save more-this goal is also under-developed. I have a division within me. On one hand I want to save, be frugal, and use wisdom and prudence in my spending. On the other hand, I'm only young once. This is the prime of my life. I want to live well. I want to have things that make my life easier and I like nice things, matching things, etc. More thought on this one....

*Education Goals for 2008
1)Teach myself to sing the alto part-this includes being able to pick out and recognize the notes coming from the piano. I have learned one song already, The First Noel. I accomplished this by using the LDS.org music player and singing it with the alto notes isolated about 100 times. (No exaggeration.) Only several hundred more hymns to go. I know the Lord has a musical talent for me that He misplaced and I am going to find it.
2) Read, read, read.
3) Become an expert on viruses, which holds great interest for me.

*Talents to develop in 2008
1) Find a piano I can afford, buy it, and begin practicing.
2) Plant a vegetable garden that will make my taste buds sing.

I love the way a New Year feels. It brings with it a fresh start and hope. Every day holds those things. I can say that I haven't spent any money or made any major mistakes this whole year! (We are about 12 hours in :) Life is good....

Steak, potatoes and veggies....

2007-12-15T20:46:00.000-08:00

In the event that you were tired of reading about my emotional breakdown, I thought I would post something new to relieve us all of that burden.

I have met the most wonderful people, who I now refer to as my foster parents. They have taken us under their wing and have been a mom and dad to me and grandparents to my children. Thank the Lord for Quinn and Kathi Lewis. It heals my heart in many ways to have love and support from them.

Last night we got a baby-sitter and went out for a night on the town with Quinn and Kathi. They took us to a work Christmas party at a country club. It brought back a lot of memories when Sheldon and I worked at Des Moines Golf & Country Club in Iowa. We enjoyed a catered dinner. The food was superb. A live band played tasteful music that was subdued enough to have a converstaion at the dinner table. There was an open bar and those that were drinking did not even get drunk! Now there is a first! We received a party favor-the men received a molded chocolate fire truck and the women received a molded chocolate high-heeled shoe. Very cute (and yummy). I enjoyed myself immensely: I was in exceptional company, I was being waited on, the meal consisted of all my favorites-steak, potatoes and veggies, and was cooked by someone other than myself, I was not required to clean-up, the music was nice, and I knew that the young woman watching my children was capable and would do an excellent job while we were away. Aside from not knowing how to put on a diaper correctly, I was right. All was well when we arrived home, with the exception of Tyler's diaper being on backwards. Wouldn't you know if you put a diaper on backwards???? Perhaps I take for granted my "skills". I will never doubt myself again.

The boys are excited for Christmas. It is becoming more challenging to hide things from Cameron's all-seeing eyes. He has discovered numerous Christmas presents. One of them is a toy kitchen in a large box that I have nowhere to hide. He doesn't miss a thing. He is sharper than a tack, has exceptional verbal skills, and is borderline control-freak. Things have to be said or done in a certain way. Believe me, if you are in his company for longer than 2 minutes you will stand corrected on one thing or another. He is a loving and tender boy. He and Tyler greet each other with a hug and when Tyler gets in trouble or if Tyler gets hurt, Cameron is sure to cry right along with him. When presented with a Mickey Mouse stuffed toy he said, "It's DARLING"! When was the last time you heard a 3 year old boy use the word "DARLING?"

Tyler frequently has an impish look on his face, as he is often testing the boundaries. He is so fun and loving. His favorite thing to do is read books. Morning, noon, and night will reveal Tyler saying "book pease", as he walks over with several from the shelf. His language skills and vocabulay are improving rapidly. He uses a host of words now. He has perfected the animal sounds and can even do a wide open mouth when he sees a hippo. Tyler was sitting on my hip today and wanted my undivided attention. He put his hands on my cheeks, turned my face toward his, and gave me a kiss on the lips. (I think Dad and I need to be a little more discreet :)

Sheldon finished up 3 months of hell yesterday. I am relieved that it is over. So is he. He is back to his old self-laughing,teasing, playing, planning, helping. I will relish this next month while I remember how things used to feel together.

I am planning to have a very happy Christmas. Please do the same.

Thy Ways are Not My Ways...

2007-10-16T21:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had sort of a breakdown. Emotion has been building for some time now. The days were feeling more and more stressful and unfulfilled. I was feeling darkness and unhappiness. The word that sums up best what I have been feeling these last months is "trapped". Trapped by the demands of the children. Trapped in a marriage where I rarely see my husband. Trapped in a demanding calling at church. I wanted to run. Escape.
I broke down. I felt totally hopeless and confused about what I was doing with my life. I guess I wasn't totally hopeless because I did have enough hope to pray. I prayed and prayed that God would enlighten me with the answers I sought. How can I love my job as a mother? That was my question...
Tonight I shared in the experience of a youth temple trip. I assisted in helping the youth perform baptisms for the dead. As I sat in the temple I began to ponder what a beautiful thing it is to do service--to literally do something for someone else that they cannot do for themselves. The Lord opened my understanding as the passage from the scriptures entered my mind: "And if ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." My heart was comforted as I thought that my calling as a mother is truly about serving God as I serve my children. Every hug, every meal prepared, every story read, every diaper changed is about serving the Lord.
One of my greatest aspirations in life is to serve God. He made it known to me that my actions every day are doing just that. I know this knowledge will make a difference in every interaction that I have with my children from this time forward.
I love God with my whole heart. The gratitude I feel because he gave us the Atonement fills my soul. The Savior lives! I know it!
He gave me an answer, although it was not what I expected would come. His ways are not my ways. I understand that in a profound way now. There will be hard days ahead, but I now have peace knowing that I am working on my most important goal every single day.

Regrets...

2007-10-09T21:40:00.000-07:00

Kissing my honey after his graduation from medical school

I believe that looking towards the future is the best thing we can do. The past is the past and we can't change it. We hopefully learn from it and make better choices. Having said that, regrets about my past come back to haunt me from time to time.

This past summer was the Wasatch High School Class of '97 10 year reunion. That would have been/should have been relevant to me had I actually graduated. I received a registration form in the mail and was informed that the committee was putting together a memory book. They wanted an update about what I had done after high school, who I married, and other details about my life. Apparently the fact that I never graduated was missed. I shouldn't have been on their list.

I did attend Wasatch High School for my freshman and sophomore years without a hitch. I made good grades, I had a lot of friends, and I excelled in athletics. I was always where I was supposed to be. I stayed out of trouble. The summer between my sophomore and junior year was the beginning of big problems and big mistakes for me. My mother dropped a bomb on me when she told me she was leaving my dad. I was shocked and totally blind-sided by this piece of news. She gave me a few hours to pack my things and leave my home--little Midway Valley, a place that I thought was a little bit of heaven. I packed my things and left that day. But within hours of setting foot in my mom's apartment in Orem, I knew I had to go back. I went back that very night to find my dad an emotional wreck. I couldn't answer his questions. I remember calling my two very best friends in the world, Allison Thacker and Katie Duke. They came and picked me up and comforted me. The power of friendship cannot be overstated.

My dad moved that same summer and I ended up staying with my best friends parents for a little while. I got a job to pay for transportation. In order to meet my obligations I had to work after school and I quit sports in order to do so. After a few months the living arrangements started to go sour. I began clashing with the people I lived with. Looking back I know they were trying to help me but at the time it was suffocating to be under such strict rule. I left.
That was the first of many mistakes. I moved into a roommate situation with my boss's daughter. I was on my own and I was 16 years old. I was floundering for love, affection, security, and stability. I had dropped out of sports to work--and sports were the one thing that was likely to keep my grades up and keep me in school. I slowly dropped out over a period of time my junior year. I showed up to class less and less and finally stopped altogether. Instead of going to school I went to work. I lived on my own, I worked to pay my bills--I lived an adult life.

I eventually moved back to Orem my senior year and started attending a high school there. I was a very small fish in a huge sea and not many weeks went by before I quit going. There is a power that comes to a child when they have a loving and caring adult in their lives who can pull them when they can't do it themselves. I wish I would have had that.

The Wasatch High School Class of '97 has really stirred the pot for me. It hurts to remember. My family, my friends, my home in Midway, the exhilaration of competition in sports....all the things that meant so much to me were gone in a matter of months. My decisions would continue to drive me to deeper and deeper despair.

I often ponder if I will tell my kids my regrets, poor decisions, and even secrets about my life that I won't pen on this page. Will it help them? Will it hinder them? Only prayer will give me the answers that I seek when the time comes.

I yearn for my children to gain a testimony of the reality of the Savior before they encumber themselves about with much sorrow from wrong choices. For me, my sorrow led me to Christ, and if my sorrow was the only way to find Christ I would go through it again. He is my lifeline and my friend. He died for me and rose again. He lives. The pain of sin can be unbearable. Christ took my burden of sin upon himself and with his stripes I am healed. O my Savior, how I long to fall at your feet and bathe your feet with my tears of gratitude.

High school is a done deal. As for the class of '97, I bid you farewell. I know that I will graduate one day (from college). I am driven. I will wear a gap and gown and I will smile my best smile. I will take my moment of triumph and tuck it away in my heart. I will be at peace with myself and I will have made my restitution. Until then, I have regrets.

Reptiles...

2007-10-08T23:40:00.000-07:00

Our home here in San Antonio is a magnet for reptiles. I have had more encounters with reptiles in the 4 months we have lived here than I have had in the last 15 years.

My first encounter was opening the garage and seeing a baby lizard run/waddle across the garage floor. No big deal right? Within a few days I found a nest in the corner of our garage--a lizard's nest without a doubt. There were 5 white eggs the size of jelly beans. I decided there was no harm in letting them carry out their mating rituals in my garage.

The next encounter happened in the morning. I opened up the front door a few inches to check on something outside. I closed the door. I looked down and was startled to see a snake hanging out on the tile right in front of the door in my house, just inches from my bare feet. INSIDE my house. Snakes are okay, but not in my house. So, I calmly grabbed my babies dirty sock off the floor and tried to grab the tail of the snake with the sock, using the sock as a barrier between my fingers and the snake. The snake did not like being man-handled. I tried multiple times to throw it out the door onto the porch and each time was unsuccessful. The snake would start thrashing around every time I got the tail and it managed to elude me. It started flopping towards me and that is when my girlish screams echoed through the house. Somehow I finally managed to thrust it out the door.

Back to lizards. At night when I come and go after dark our porch light has revealed as many as 5 or 6 lizards basking in our porch light on the brick wall of our home. On several occasions the vibration from shutting the door as I go out causes one or more of the lizards to drop off their perch and land in front of me. Always startling.

Last but not least, one or more of my lizard friends has come to visit me in my home and cruises along my wall. Sheldon caught one and put it out. I saw another one but my attempts to catch it proved futile when it scurried into a gap in the stairs.

Actually, I have more. I weed eat our yard weekly and I have managed to nail frogs on several occasions. It is never fun to have frog legs flying in all directions. Just for the record, I am not cruel--quite the contrary. They hide themselves so well in the grass that I have done the damage before I even know what happened. I injured one that I forced Sheldon to come out and retrieve. Instead of killing it (I didn't have the heart), he gently lowered it down over the fence into our neighbors yard and decided he would let them deal with it.

This evening I stepped out to put something in Sheldon's car. As it was well after dark, I carefully and slowly opened the front door to avoid raining lizards or snakes down on my head. I then cautiously looked down to step and there, before my eyes, was a frog chilling on my mat. I could easily have stomped it with my bare feet had I not been on my guard. Talk about a serious noise pollution issue at 2 in the morning when my screams echo through the neighborhood.

Reptiles, I must thank you. You have kept my life interesting and you've kept me on my toes. Thank you and good night! (Not to mention GOOD RIDDANCE!)

Boredom Buster

2007-10-07T05:44:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago I was looking on Craig's List for an outdoor swing. I found this and loved it. The kids are loving it too. I push Tyler 30-60 minutes every day. I often do this when Cameron is at preschool. If he is home too, they take turns unwillingly. Tyler throws a fit when it is Cameron's turn but his tantrums are lasting fewer and fewer minutes each time. My kids are very bored. I recently figured that out. They still depend on me for every ounce of entertainment. Cameron still hasn't learned to occupy his mind on his own, although in the last two days I have seen a marked improvement and I have been amazed to see him play for 5 minutes on his own. I look forward to the time when Cameron and Tyler learn how to entertain themselves.

Tyler Kjell Jensen

2007-08-26T15:24:00.000-07:00

This is Tyler Kjell Jensen, my second son. He was born on March 21, 2006 and will be 18 months in September. His middle named is pronounced 'S H E L L'. It is a Norwegian name and his namesake is one of Sheldon's best friends from college.

Tyler loves to take baths and play in the sprinklers or water, read books, play with cars, trucks, and trains, explore, and watch movies. He loves dinosaurs and will growl most any time he sees a picture of one.

Adjusting to a second child has been difficult for me. Like his brother Cameron, he is a high maintenance child. It is very tough some days. Never-the-less, he is a joy and a wonderful addition to our family.

At times Sheldon and I discuss what it would be like if one or both of our children were to pass away. They are such a part of us. It is frightening to consider the hole that would be left in our hearts if they were to pass on. I believe the death of children has to be up there as one of the most trying things to deal with in this life. We pray we will be able to watch them grow and mature, to go their sports games (should they choose to play), to love, laugh, and cry with them.

There is nothing sweeter than seeing Cameron and Tyler play together. I love hearing them laugh. Thank you God for these wonderful little spirits.

Cameron Grant Jensen

2007-08-21T11:40:00.001-07:00

This is Cameron, my oldest son. He turned 3 on June 14th.

His personality keeps me on my toes. He falls into the category of a "high maintenance" child. He loves to have my undivided attention. He is almost always at my heels, asking questions, telling me to build him a train track, asking for chocolate milk, and telling me stories about the movies he has watched.

His favorite movies include: "The Lion King", "Finding Nemo", and Disney's Pixar "Cars". He is very interested in dinosaurs. He loves playing with his Thomas and Friends battery operated Gordon. We have collected almost all of the Disney Pixar "Cars" die cast vehicles of the "Cars" characters. His favorites are Dinoco King, Dinoco "Chick", and Cruisin' McQueen.

His major strengths include a compassionate and loving nature, and advanced language and social skills. He has always cared about others and how they are feeling. At the age when most children are screaming "me, ME, MINE", he was willingly sharing with others so that they would be happy. I love that most. He speaks very clearly, has a large vocabulary, knows his ABC's, numbers, shapes, and colors, and is able to answer the phone and carry on a coherent conversation (and give the phone over to me at the appropriate time). He is starting joyschool on Aug 28th, 2007. This will be of great benefit to him. He needs that social interaction and learning. I need the time away from him to get a break.

Cameron has so much potential and great promise for the future. I pray daily that I might be a mother who can teach him faith, hope, and charity. I desire above all that he grow up to love the Lord and serve Him in all things. If I am successful in that I will have done well.

Alone time

2007-08-16T11:22:00.000-07:00

My life falls apart when I get sick. Last week my kids and I caught a cold virus. It put us down with fever, chills, aches, relentless coughing, etc. Over a week later I am still as sick as day 1. Cameron has strep throat and has developed scarlet fever. We have him on a good antibiotic that should help him get over things a bit faster.

Being a mother is harder than I ever thought it would be. I believe that I have a lot of anxiety about various things that makes it difficult for me to cope and function in an effective way. I typically let my feelings of frustration and agitation build until I have a melt down and throw the kids in their beds so they will leave me alone for awhile. I have always been comfortable being alone. I miss my alone time where I have opportunity to ponder my life and different things that are of interest to me. Being a mother changes that dramatically. There is scarcly a minute to have your own thoughts. There are constant demands and questions. Sheldon left the house today with the kids for a little while. I cleaned the house. I enjoyed it. I had time to think and it was quiet for a change. I miss having my own thoughts. I wish I were better at finding a balance with the children.