Regrets...

Kissing my honey after his graduation from medical school

I believe that looking towards the future is the best thing we can do. The past is the past and we can't change it. We hopefully learn from it and make better choices. Having said that, regrets about my past come back to haunt me from time to time.

This past summer was the Wasatch High School Class of '97 10 year reunion. That would have been/should have been relevant to me had I actually graduated. I received a registration form in the mail and was informed that the committee was putting together a memory book. They wanted an update about what I had done after high school, who I married, and other details about my life. Apparently the fact that I never graduated was missed. I shouldn't have been on their list.

I did attend Wasatch High School for my freshman and sophomore years without a hitch. I made good grades, I had a lot of friends, and I excelled in athletics. I was always where I was supposed to be. I stayed out of trouble. The summer between my sophomore and junior year was the beginning of big problems and big mistakes for me. My mother dropped a bomb on me when she told me she was leaving my dad. I was shocked and totally blind-sided by this piece of news. She gave me a few hours to pack my things and leave my home--little Midway Valley, a place that I thought was a little bit of heaven. I packed my things and left that day. But within hours of setting foot in my mom's apartment in Orem, I knew I had to go back. I went back that very night to find my dad an emotional wreck. I couldn't answer his questions. I remember calling my two very best friends in the world, Allison Thacker and Katie Duke. They came and picked me up and comforted me. The power of friendship cannot be overstated.

My dad moved that same summer and I ended up staying with my best friends parents for a little while. I got a job to pay for transportation. In order to meet my obligations I had to work after school and I quit sports in order to do so. After a few months the living arrangements started to go sour. I began clashing with the people I lived with. Looking back I know they were trying to help me but at the time it was suffocating to be under such strict rule. I left.
That was the first of many mistakes. I moved into a roommate situation with my boss's daughter. I was on my own and I was 16 years old. I was floundering for love, affection, security, and stability. I had dropped out of sports to work--and sports were the one thing that was likely to keep my grades up and keep me in school. I slowly dropped out over a period of time my junior year. I showed up to class less and less and finally stopped altogether. Instead of going to school I went to work. I lived on my own, I worked to pay my bills--I lived an adult life.

I eventually moved back to Orem my senior year and started attending a high school there. I was a very small fish in a huge sea and not many weeks went by before I quit going. There is a power that comes to a child when they have a loving and caring adult in their lives who can pull them when they can't do it themselves. I wish I would have had that.

The Wasatch High School Class of '97 has really stirred the pot for me. It hurts to remember. My family, my friends, my home in Midway, the exhilaration of competition in sports....all the things that meant so much to me were gone in a matter of months. My decisions would continue to drive me to deeper and deeper despair.

I often ponder if I will tell my kids my regrets, poor decisions, and even secrets about my life that I won't pen on this page. Will it help them? Will it hinder them? Only prayer will give me the answers that I seek when the time comes.

I yearn for my children to gain a testimony of the reality of the Savior before they encumber themselves about with much sorrow from wrong choices. For me, my sorrow led me to Christ, and if my sorrow was the only way to find Christ I would go through it again. He is my lifeline and my friend. He died for me and rose again. He lives. The pain of sin can be unbearable. Christ took my burden of sin upon himself and with his stripes I am healed. O my Savior, how I long to fall at your feet and bathe your feet with my tears of gratitude.

High school is a done deal. As for the class of '97, I bid you farewell. I know that I will graduate one day (from college). I am driven. I will wear a gap and gown and I will smile my best smile. I will take my moment of triumph and tuck it away in my heart. I will be at peace with myself and I will have made my restitution. Until then, I have regrets.