Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Thy Ways are Not My Ways...

Yesterday I had sort of a breakdown. Emotion has been building for some time now. The days were feeling more and more stressful and unfulfilled. I was feeling darkness and unhappiness. The word that sums up best what I have been feeling these last months is "trapped". Trapped by the demands of the children. Trapped in a marriage where I rarely see my husband. Trapped in a demanding calling at church. I wanted to run. Escape.
I broke down. I felt totally hopeless and confused about what I was doing with my life. I guess I wasn't totally hopeless because I did have enough hope to pray. I prayed and prayed that God would enlighten me with the answers I sought. How can I love my job as a mother? That was my question...
Tonight I shared in the experience of a youth temple trip. I assisted in helping the youth perform baptisms for the dead. As I sat in the temple I began to ponder what a beautiful thing it is to do service--to literally do something for someone else that they cannot do for themselves. The Lord opened my understanding as the passage from the scriptures entered my mind: "And if ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." My heart was comforted as I thought that my calling as a mother is truly about serving God as I serve my children. Every hug, every meal prepared, every story read, every diaper changed is about serving the Lord.
One of my greatest aspirations in life is to serve God. He made it known to me that my actions every day are doing just that. I know this knowledge will make a difference in every interaction that I have with my children from this time forward.
I love God with my whole heart. The gratitude I feel because he gave us the Atonement fills my soul. The Savior lives! I know it!
He gave me an answer, although it was not what I expected would come. His ways are not my ways. I understand that in a profound way now. There will be hard days ahead, but I now have peace knowing that I am working on my most important goal every single day.

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